Catacombs Reference LibraryTV Heroes
Catacombs Reference LibraryTV Zone, "the monthly magazine of cult television", was a 1990s UK genre magazine
TV Zone 191 (September 1999), "Moon Leaves Orbit!" p70. There's a lot of contemporary British references in this jokey article (the EU, English cities, tabloid newspapers, the BBC's broadcast teletext service Ceefax).
In an move which has sent shockwaves through the whole of the civilised world, the moon sensationally parted company with the Earth yesterday after several million years of close partnership. An enormous nuclear explosion blasted the tiny satellite out of our planet's orbit and sent it hurtling into Outer Space along with the EU's extravagantly futuristic lunar research facility, Moonbase Alpha and its entire staff.
The Earth has been hit by a series of violent earthquakes, volcanic eruptions and gravity disruptions since the incident and the latest reports indicate that more than seven eighths of Coventry has been reduced to a hideous mass of twisted concrete, though locals did not immediately notice the difference.
Easily excitable downmarket tabloid The Sun immediately launched a vitriolic attack on our European neighbours whom it blames for instigating 'this Lunar Lunacy' by its decision to dump nuclear waste and copious amounts of unwanted butter on the moon's dark side. A car sticker campaign against the Brussels eurocrats is already well under way, and the paper is offering a reward of up to for the safe return of our errant moon. Spokesperson for The Sun, former page three stunna - and other heavenly body - Linda Lusardi, 40, has said 'l think it's, like, really sad. I liked the moon. It made the sky all pretty.'
The International Lunar Commission is currently in emergency session, deciding what steps might be taken to rescue the 311 crewmembers on Moonbase Alpha. The commission today praised the professionalism, skill and survival instincts of the base's team, though it doubts very much that any of them are still alive to put these qualities to good use.
Commander John "Walter" Koenig, 40, who was recently assigned to the base due to his particularly broad-shouldered, rugged air of manliness, and the base's chief medical officer, Dr Helena Russell, 40, who wasn't, have both been given a vote Of confidence by the commission. Professor Manooli Thwaite, 40, said "If anyone can give this ridiculous situation an air of unwarranted gravity it's John and Helena. It's always been difficult in the past to get them to work together in an environment where Helena's face can be washed out by a bright, flattering spotlight, whilst simultaneously John is accentuated by moody and dramatic shadows, but luckily Moonbase Alpha was equipped to these precise specifications. They'll pull through, trust me."
The ill-fated base was thankfully well stocked with supplies, the last batch to arrive being a consignment of Vaseline which Dr Russell had specifically requested for use on all security cameras, and 800 beige space-cardigans. It is thought that these woollen items may hold the crew's best hope for survival, being resistant to explosive decompression and the intense cold of Deep Space. Scientists have, however, expressed concerns that they may be compromised by some of the more persistent household stains such as grass, sweat and chocolate.
Unfortunately, budgetary cutbacks necessitated by the enormous quantities of white gloss paint required to decorate the base, means that Alpha's computer functionality has been somewhat compromised. With less processing power than an average dishwasher, the base's main computer is the size and weight of a large concrete wall, and can only print on ticker-tape. Very slowly. Before he left, Koenig claimed that the first job for his team of scientists and technicians would be attempting to modify it to receive Ceefax.
The previously reported bleeping signals, purportedly received from the mysterious planet Meta have now been traced to a faulty diode in one of Professor Victor Bergmann's whistling keyrings. This explains not only their intermittent nature, but also why they won't be referred to again. Ever.
The scientific community has been deep in debate since the accident, over whether there is a possibility of any surviving members of Alpha's crew coming into contact with, for example, big green one-eyed monsters, misguided aliens who may have forged a rudimentary religion around long-dead technology, or the film actor Christopher Lee in a wig. No firm agreement has yet been reached.
Clayton Hickman